Weight Loss Tips For Assholes

• Start an opiate habit. Opiates such as heroin, morphine, Oxycontin and Vicodin not only suppress the appetite, but can even help purge calories you've already consumed from your system in ample doses. Also, unlike speed, crank and other dangerous methamphetamines, opiates will leave you feeling warm and fuzzy on your comfy couch, not half naked and frothing at the mouth under a parked car all night

• Drinking hot water helps speed your metabolism, but drinking sewer water can make you violently ill for days, in which time you could lose as much as 20% of your body weight

• Buying meat from supermarkets conveniently alienates you from the source of your food. From now on, only eat meat you raised and harvested for yourself. The intimacy you develop with the pig, cow, fish, gerbil, cat, (if you live in an urban area) or what have you, combined with the trouble it takes to skin and clean the animal will help dissuade you from eating too much fattening meat

• Find a weight loss buddy to help motivate you. Someone who is much stronger who will beat the crap out of you if you fail is recommended

• Get marooned somewhere. Shipwreck and plane crash victims almost invariably lose a lot of weight quickly amidst their new environs as what meager energy providing nutrients there are available require the expenditure of at least as much to obtain in the first place. Granted, the obvious exception to this rule is that huge fat guy on 'Lost', but that's just a TV show

• Take up smoking. Not only will it help you curb your eating by keeping something shoved in your mouth, but it's fun and looks cool

• If motivating yourself to exercise is a problem, try tying yourself to the back of a trolley car or taxi cab

• Consume a tapeworm. Tapeworms can live benignly in your intestines for years where they will compete with your body for the absorption of thousands of fattening calories, allowing you to eat pretty much anything you want without gaining a pound

• Be your own snack factory. Your body produces its own tasty treats that are not only more healthy than fattening, salty snacks, but are 100% free. For example, a delicious booger contains zero calories and doesn't cost a dime

• Become clinically depressed. Spending as much time as possible watching prime time network television and the Fox News Channel will elicit a state of consummate hopelessness - leaving you entirely indifferent to food and personal hygiene, but most importantly food

• If you get the urge to eat something deep fried, heat up a pot of oil and try deep frying your hand instead

• Get yourself thrown in prison. Temptation to snack and over eat will be a thing of the past once you're locked up in a penitentiary as the lousy, unappetizing food they're known for is rationed out in limited quantities during regular feeding times

• Getting drunk off a six pack of beer might be a real kick, but drinking a pint of vodka will produce the same effect at a fraction of the calories

• Tell your family and friends of your intention to lose the weight - the threat of their ridiculing your latest humiliating failure might keep you motivated to actually follow through with something for once in your life