Swine Flu FAQs

Seemingly out of nowhere, the swine flu virus has spread from person to person in Mexico and the United States, inducing the media to justifiably sound the armageddon knoll and people in general to completely lose their shit.

In the interest of serving the public, I, as an expert on everything (which includes swine flu), have provided answers to some of the most common questions regarding the pandemic that will inevitably kill us all.

Q. What is swine flu?

A. Swine influenza is a pathogen that is relatively benign amongst pigs, but has since mutated into an incurable supervirus that can infect humans and will kill every man, woman and child on the planet.

Q. Where did swine flu come from?

A. The jump from pig to human was first made when a man (likely a Christian) had sex with a pig (not his wife or his daughter, but an actual pig).

Q. What are the symptoms of swine flu?

A. Initial symptoms of a runny nose, lethargy and a cough soon progress to vomiting, diarrhea, a sense of drowning attendant to pulmonary fluid accumulation, testicular necrosis, hair loss, delirium induced criminal insanity (raping of family and friends), self mutilation, sore throat, uncontrollable masturbation, muscle spasms, extreme homophobia, hearing loss, mucousy discharge from all major and minor orifices, internal hemorrhaging, mild headache, and death from universal, simultaneous organ failure.

Q. Can swine flu be fatal?

A. Swine flu is always fatal, you will get it, and you will die.

Q. Is there any way to avoid contracting swine flu?

A. No. You will get it, and you will die.

Q. What if I take sanctuary in a subterranean bomb shelter and don’t come out until it goes away? Could I avoid the swine flu then?

A. No. There is no way to avoid the swine flu. The swine flu is so contagious that even thinking about it will cause you to contract it. A dead person is reading this page.

Q. So what can I do?

A. Kill yourself. End your own life before the pig virus gets you.