How To Score With Chicks - Tips For Shitheads

• Offering to buy a woman a drink in a bar is a good first step towards scoring. If she says she's not thirsty or simply doesn't drink, try offering her the five bucks you were going to spend on the beverage to come back to your place.

• Most women want to be pursued, so if they run away, by all means go after them. Regardless of what they might scream at you, to others to petition their assistance, or throw in your path to impede your chase, rest assured you are scoring big points by fulfilling a deep-seated subconscious desire.

• Practice makes perfect. Gluing a picture of your crush's face over an inflatable sex doll will allow you to practice your kissing and intercourse technique so you'll be sure to impress her when it's time for the real thing.

• Nice guys always finish last. For some reason women prefer men who treat them poorly, so make sure to include plenty of disparaging remarks in your opening lines. For instance, ask the woman if she made her maternity clothes herself, and when she responds that she's not pregnant, scrunch up your face and wave your hand in front of your nose to imply her breath stinks.

• Always have a few conversation starters in mind to keep the dialogue fresh. For example, you can ask whether any of her close relatives are dead, or whether she's ever shit her pants.

• Before you make your move, break into the woman's house when she's not there to find out all about her. That way, you can make a really great impression when you tell her you're also into the Red Hot Chili Peppers, oatmeal, brown carpet and Tampax.

• If you're shy, try writing her a letter telling her what a fat pig you think she is (remember tip #4) and whether she'd be interested in going on a date / having sex. Note: Doing this in poetry form is a plus.

• It never hurts to stretch the truth a little to help your chances at scoring. For example, if she likes baseball, find out who her favorite player is and tell her you're that guy.

• Great first date idea: Take her to an art museum, then to a porn movie, telling her "I can do that" frequently throughout the evening. That way, she'll think you're a hell of an artist and a lover and will probably be all over you like stink on shit.

• Use funny metaphors and similes like "stink on shit" liberally in conversation. Women like to laugh.

• Women aren't looking for an amateur. Tell her early and often how many women you've had sex with. And if it's less than 50, lie.

• If for some reason these tips don't work, never take sex from a woman by force. It's considered rude.