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Useless Public Speaking Tips
• A time honored way of getting yourself to relax during any public speaking engagement
is to imagine your audience in their underwear. However, if your audience is a
bunch of pigs and the idea of seeing them without clothes repulses you, tell them
so, then say “I’m just kidding”, because it’s good to start
off with a joke
• Always use the restroom before any speaking engagement.
If your speech is longer than you can hold it for or an unforeseen need arises,
politely excuse yourself rather than repeatedly squeezing your upper thighs together
and pulling at your pants, as this is commonly viewed as unprofessional and weird
• Body language is important. Use appropriate hand gestures and facial
expressions. Keep your fingers out of your nose and ears, and avoid nervously
removing articles of clothing crucial to keeping you out of jail and certain hospitals
• Practice your speech into a tape recorder and listen to yourself. If
when you play it back you can’t believe your voice sounds like it does, delude
yourself with the hypothesis that the device is of an inferior quality
•
If you suffer from Tourette’s syndrome and experience an outburst during
your presentation, explain your affliction rather than letting that incongruous,
high volume invitation to fist your shitpipe hang out there for subjective interpretation
• It’s
all in the eyes. Drooping lids and a lack of eye contact will make you seem unenthusiastic
and unconfident while rapid blinking can be a distraction. Look at the members
of your audience directly, keeping your eyes open as wide as you can and blinking
as little as possible
• Though the line, “Hey, I don’t
come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job,” can be an excellent
way to disarm a heckler, it should be avoided if you’re speaking at a place
where the members of your audience work since the only way you wouldn’t look
stupid is if you’re addressing a group of Burger King employees – in
which case you’d look like a jerk for making a bunch of retarded kids cry
• If you have any friends or family who don’t hate you already,
guilt them into acting as a rehearsal audience, then bore the living shit out
of them with your stupid speech
• Speak with conviction and emphasis,
even if what you’re saying is complete crap. Review Colin Powell’s 2003
testimony on Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction capabilities at the United
Nations or rent “Triumph of the Will” for references
•
If during the question and answer session that customarily follows any business
or academic related presentation someone should ask a question you don’t
know the answer to, either change the subject or make a face as if to convey your
opinion that the question was so stupid and off-base that it didn’t warrant
a response before moving on