Monday Tips for Non-Simps

• Ever notice how some people’s emails end with an amusing little signature, like “All generalizations are false”, or “I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it”? Try making your own signature, for example, “The dark spirit of Belial is safe to conspire within my rotten heart”, or, “Go fuck yourself”.

• Silly putty can be a great stress reliever. Grab a handful of it, stretch it, pound it, shape it. Try molding it into the shape of your boss, then rip off the arms, legs, put his dick in his mouth and place it on your desk for all to see.

• Keep a smile file – filled with things that make you smile, like photos of a maggot infested panda bear carcass, or the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima – and share its contents with your colleagues.

• Set fire to your computer and try smashing it out with the bottom of a fire extinguisher.

• A funny prank that can add some levity to your gloomy Monday morning: After looking up a colleague’s address using a Whitepages.com search, call them claiming you’re a neighbor from up the street, citing a slightly higher number on the same street. Then tell them that there was some kind of gas leak and their house exploded shortly after they left for work that morning.

• Buy a bunch of voodoo dolls, label them with the names of colleagues around the office that you don’t like, and stick a bunch of pins in their eyes, hearts and genitals, displaying them on your desk for public display.

• Make a minor dent in War and Peace with a three hour shit.

• Replace the water in the water bottle you keep on your desk with vodka. If, after becoming intoxicated someone starts giving you the stink-eye, scowl at them and shout, ‘Whutur yoo lookin’ at?!”

• Tell yourself you’re through working for someone else on their terms and quit your 9-5 job to pursue a career doing something you love, burn through all your life savings failing, and die of hypothermia in an alley.