Personal Indifference For People Who Don't Give A Crap

This site won't help you do anything. I'm not trying to help you become more focused, motivated or confident. As the most happily apathetic, bitter and cynical person possibly inhabiting the planet, I'm not qualified to do so, and furthermore, I couldn't care less. If you're deluded enough to think your life could be made meaningful if only you might happen across the right website to assist your personal development into something other than the aimless, insignificant conglomeration of matter you are, fine; but this isn't the one. Like life itself, there is nothing meaningful to be found on this site. The Church of Apathy is a place for those enlightened enough to understand that there is no god, meaning to life, or such thing as free will to enjoy our indifference and the failure it inevitably breeds, because it is easier and, within the context of the big picture of the impermament universe in which we reside, holds the same value as trying and "succeeding" - absolutely zero. That's it.*
- Reverend Bob

Be sure to bookmark this site, so you can return to it again and again. Millions of imaginary visitors begin their days by spending 15-30 minutes here and report that it helps them resign themselves to the pointless drudgery the remaining twenty-three and a half hours is certain to bring.

*Note that it is not beyond my intellectual grasp to realize that the effort put into creating this site constitutes an act of trying, rendering all of it a farcical contradiction of itself, but what the hell. Free will is an illusion, and if it should please the universe to have me make a complete hypocritical ass of myself in this way, so be it. What else is new? All the gazillion events leading up to this one since the Big Bang have been against me. Not smart enough not to do stupid, useless things, just astute enough to recognize how stupid, useless and embarrassing they are. If there was such thing as luck I'd be Steve Pavlina or Tony Robbins, shooting sunbeams out of my ass, making millions selling lies about choice, courage, hard work and success, but there isn't, and even if there was, I'd have none.

Recent Blog Entries

Another Satisfied Customer

May 1, 2008 - I received the following letter from a deeply troubled young man, and using my worthless skills as a meaningless life coach, likely didn't help him him one bit. Thought I'd share:

Father,

I is young man frmo Turkey and is Christian for 7 years now in the reborn method. I have big problem maybe you help me as life coach?

I marry woman 5 years ago because my priest say to me that I must get married. But I don't like woman. I want to have sex with a man. I know its wrong but I only feel sexy with men. I know its a sin but what can I do. I pray to God to make me have sex with my wife but I still want only men. Please help me.

I also feel very bad about myself. I feel I am very ugly when I look in mirror. I cry everyday. Why am I ugly God, why am I a gay. I also sometimes hit my wife and say she is fat bitch, slut. Why am I like this? Can you help?

- Agmat

Dear Agmat,

The bad news is that God carefully arranged all the events preceding your direful birth to make you this way simply to satisfy his sick, juvenile sense of humor. The good news is that he has allowed you to contact me seeking help, possibly signalling that you are not meant to suffer like this your entire life - should you heed my advice.

First, so you're queer. So what? It's okay to be gay. In fact, if you're as ugly as you say, being gay could be a blessing since guys have lower standards in that regard and tend not to face one another when they're fucking. Secondly, though I must refrain from condoning your beating your wife for legal reasons, I can't say as though I blame you from the sound of her.

Lastly, and most importantly, leave that church with its pedarist, hypocrite priest and join the Chuurch of Apathy, where you can smoke as much pole as you like. We couldn't care less.

- Bob

Denounce Me? I Will Denounce You!

April 29, 2008 - Just a warning to any of you who might someday get it in your dumb head to run for president: Should whatever past affiliation with this church bring you negative publicity and scorn from the millions of nitwits in this country your newfound ambition has obligated you to suck the collective ass of, I will not go down without a fight, and I will fight my hardest to bring you down with me.

Sure, there's hope. And there's a bushy-bearded god in the sky who loves you. Yeah, and the United States isn't an imperialistic country whose legacy of imperialism doesn't have at least something to with it being the biggest target of terrorism on the planet, doesn't import drugs and export guns and trained killers, put more black kids in prison than college, and never conducted radiation experiments on its own citizens.

Ooh, look at me! I want to be President of the United States!

More like king of the shitheads.

You Are All Being Punished

April 22, 2008 - I just got back from checking my web stats, and I must say that I am not happy. This site is still not even averaging 500 page reads a day, and it is all your fault. I considered the possibility that I was to blame, that maybe the content of this site isn't as ridiculously awesome as I think it is, but an abrupt shift back to reality quickly disabused me of this fallacious notion.

The truth is, it is your insolence, your lack of loyalty, and most of all your laziness that is behind my stagnant traffic stats. Instead of posting links to these pearls of html wisdom all over God's green cyberspace, you're sitting on your ass, scratching your balls (or vaginas), and letting me the fuck down.

In light of this little ongoing problem, I am punishing all you by posting this little blurb about hemorrhoids in lieu of a new blog entry. I sincerely hope I don't inadvertently help any of you assbleeders.

Your Hemorrhoids and You - The term hemorrhoids refers to a condition in which the veins around the anus or lower rectum are swollen and inflamed. The most common symptom of internal hemorrhoids is bright red blood covering the stool, on toilet paper, or in the toilet bowl. However, an internal hemorrhoid may protrude through the anus outside the body, becoming irritated and painful. This is known as a protruding hemorrhoid.

Symptoms of external hemorrhoids may include painful swelling or a hard lump around the anus that results when a blood clot forms. This condition is known as a thrombosed external hemorrhoid.

In addition, excessive straining, rubbing, or cleaning around the anus may cause irritation with bleeding and/or itching, which may produce a vicious cycle of symptoms. Draining mucus may also cause itching.

Jerks

Non-Enemies