Horrible, Strange Headlines From A Godless Universe

Me Likee Porn! - A council employee in Japan has been punished after officials discovered he had logged more than 780,000 hits on porn websites at work in nine months... (More)

Lynch The Landlord (or shoot him... whichever) - Oakland tenant, 94, held in landlord slaying... (More)

Man, Underage Vampire Slut Enjoy Masochistic Sex, Hungry Jack's Burgers? - Warwick Harold Acott met the girl after she saw a profile he posted on the website vampirefreaks.com... (More)

What About Dead Dogs? - New UK law describes prosecutable extreme sex, in part, as: An act which involves or appears to involve sexual interference with a human corpse or animal... (More)

Family Fun - Shocking pictures which show tearful five-year-olds forced to fight in kickboxing contests... (More)

Russians Are The Coolest - A Russian man trying to sleep off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice a six-inch (15-cm) knife in his back - until his wife woke him up... (More)

They Gotta Learn Somehow - A man was arrested on Sunday after he urinated on a 3-year-old child during a disturbance at a Clermont home, police said... (More)

Alien Scientist's HIV Research Obstructed by Police - A San Rafael man is facing felony drug and traffic charges after ramming other vehicles in what he called a secret government experiment for Area 51... (More)

Future Amateur Jail House Wrestler Practices on Head of Classmate - Student attacked with chair in school cafeteria. Unfortunately, despite the skills she's hard at work at crafting, there's no call for fat, ugly female wrestlers in the WWE... (More)

God Hates U.S. District Court Judge Richard D. Bennett - Judge orders liens on West Baptist Church building, law office... (More)

Pig Shoots Monkey - New details released on the fatal shooting of 17-year-old chimpanzee.. (More)

Father and Daughter Have Child - Mr Deaves admitted that he "initially" thought having sex with his daughter was wrong... (More)

Complete Ignorance = God's Will - Fla. Teens Believe Drinking Bleach Will Prevent HIV, Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy... (More)

Idiots Upset Over Honest Billboard - It looked harmless enough, but the words on a billboard unnerved so many people that a popular restaurant nearby actually lost business... (More)

Emo Es Mierda - Anti-Emo Riots Break Out Across Mexico... (More)

At Least He Aint Queer - Registered sex offender runs for mayor of Wilmer, TX... (More)

Skeleton Evicted From Primo Campsite - The grim discovery of a human skeleton, lying for years in a tent, was all too real for forestry workers hacking back trees in a remote forest on a Highland estate... (More)

From Pulling Pigtails To Ripping Entrails - Primary school children should be eligible for the DNA database if they exhibit behaviour indicating they may become criminals in later life, according to Britain's most senior police forensics expert... (More)

Where Nazis Go To Play Bingo - From the ground, the Wesley Acres Methodist retirement home looks like any other building. But fly over in an airplane, and the outline is unmistakable: It's one big swastika...(More)

One Day Someone Should Invent A Religion That's Not Totally Retarded - Indian woman gives birth to latest miracle child... (More)

Creepy Gnome on the Loose - A town in South America is living in fear after several sightings of a 'creepy gnome' that locals claim stalks the streets at night... (More)

Fascism 1, True Love 0 - Virginia state legislators passed a law Saturday that would require adults who French kiss a child younger than 13 to register as a sex offender... (More)

Get a Room - A school policy banning student hugging prompted dozens of east Valley students to protest with a giant group hug across the street from campus... (More)

I'll Take the Soap, Please - A Michigan nurse's aide abused an elderly couple by urinating in the woman's hair and pouring liquid soap on her husband's head, according prosecutors... (More)

I Heart Hookers - An Iowa casino worker says he should not have been fired for demanding that his co-workers provide him with prostitutes because the casino promotes Las Vegas-style gaming...(More)

Should Make for an Interesting Funeral - A man choked to death during a contest to see who could eat the most fairy cakes.... (More)

Good Grief - A national dance craze in Ivory Coast has spawned a black market in treatments claiming to increase one's bottom size...(More)

Welcome to Suicide Town - Population: 10,455... 10,454... 10,453... Two cousins from 'suicide town' hang themselves within hours as death toll rises... (More)

I Hereby Find You Very Strange - A Boston-based federal judge wore a black cocktail dress, fish-net stockings and high heels when police arrested him for drunk driving last week... (More)

Giving Bunny Monsters a Bad Name - Paedo Stephen Bryan dresses as an Easter bunny while working as a kids’ entertainer — before being caught in a police sting... (More)

If Only My Wife Was So Benevolent - The Highway Patrol says a 63-year-old woman accidentally drove over her husband in a traffic accident on Wells Road... (More)

Nobody Likes A Snitch - The State Attorney's Office will decide whether to charge two teens who admit they robbed a 9-year-old Girl Scout selling cookies outside of a Lake Worth supermarket...(More)

Never Trust A Bank Teller - A bank robber in York County may not have had a problem breaking the law, but it seems he was stickler for following instructions, police said... (More)

A Shocking Turn of Events - A kinky sex escapade ended this week with the electrocution death of a Pennsylvania woman and the arrest of her husband for manslaughter... (More)

Naughty Kitty - Amy Spencer can blame her cat for a shocking discovery she made when she moved into her South Austin new apartment: a stash of child porn... (More)

Teenagers Are Idiots - Coroner launches probe into 'internet suicide cult' after seven youngsters in one town hang themselves... (More)

Throw the Kitten at Him! - Man Pleads Not Guilty to Throwing Puppy Out Window (with a star witness like the one pictured, this guy doesn't have a chance)... (More)

Some Orders Shouldn't Have to be Made - Charges Filed in Defecation Complaint - It was a pretty foul thing that was happening at an apartment building on Schroeder Road...(More)

Maybe Things Aren't All That Bad - Man shoots himself in genitals during store robbery... (More)

Tit For Tat - Man sodomized step-son in revenge for raping his 8 year-old daughter... (More)

Kind of a Downer - The death of a five-week-old polar bear cub at Nuremberg Zoo has dashed Germany's hopes for a second bout of Knut-mania as keepers said they believed the baby had been eaten by its mother... (More)

Devil Kitten Lures Woman to her Death - A woman drowned when she apparently tried to retrieve a kitten from a 55-gallon rain barrel at her home southeast of Santa Fe. (Was it's name Behemoth, by chance?)... (More)

File Under: Why Didn't I Think of That? - A Natchez man shot and killed his wife when he mistook her for an intruder in their home, according to police... (More)

Girl's False Essay Wins Hannah Montana Tickets - An essay that won a 6-year-old girl four tickets to a Hannah Montana concert began with the powerful line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq."... (More)

File Under: Things That Never Happened to Me - Dozens of girls fought -- possibly about a boy -- outside a mall on Wednesday, and the brawl ended with mall security officers using pepper spray and police using Taser guns, authorities said... (More)

Bad Santa! - "Your mom sucks dicks and your dad is gay." Love, Santa... (More)

Happy Kwanzaa - Man Electrocuted While Decorating Tree with Lights - An effort to add holiday cheer to an East Palo Alto neighborhood ended in a gruesome tragedy Saturday when a man stringing lights in a tree at an apartment complex struck a high voltage power line, sending 12,000 kilovolts of electricity through his body and killing him instantly... (More)

How Magnanimous - Saudi Rape Victim Pardoned from Lashes - Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah has pardoned a teenage girl sentenced to six months in jail and 200 lashes after being gang raped, Al Jazirah newspaper reported today... (More)

Trapped in the Shitter - A man spent four days trapped in a toilet after the door handle broke... (More)

Halliburton Employee Confused About Health Benefits - After 22 year-old Jamie Leigh Jones was gang raped by fellow Halliburton/KBR employees the company warned her that if she left Iraq for medical treatment, she'd be out of a job... (More)

A Real Crying Shame (that it resumed) - Holiday light show resumes at vandalized site - Hoffman Estates police are still searching for the vandals who damaged the Christmas display of a resident and dragged him with a get-away car... (More)

Barnyard Orgy - Man Accused of Sex with Boy, Fram Animals Years Ago - According to a criminal complaint, Gordon Charles Anderson Jr., 24, of Georges Township, performed sex acts with the boy and with various farm animals on his property... (More)

Gotta Love that Old Time Religion - The Sudanese police arrested a British schoolteacher and accused her of insulting Islam after she allowed her 7-year-old pupils to name a class teddy bear Muhammad... (More)

It's a Hell of a Drug - Even after crashing his car, a hysterical man reached for a syringe and managed one intelligible word, "cocaine," a B.C. coroner's inquest heard Tuesday... (More)

Back to the Drawing Board - Naked man with nun's habit on head tried to lure girls, police say... (More)

Dead Klutzo! - In a (not really all that) sad follow up to a recently linked story (See "Bad Klutzo!" below), Klutzo the pedarest clown had died in prison... (More)

What's the Big Deal? - Man breaks into Carl's Jr's to make own burgers... (More)

The Most Horrible Story Ever Told - Pokin Around: - A real person, a real death... (More)

A Great Idea - A production manager pretended his young daughter had cancer in a scam to get time off work, a court has heard... (More)

CIA - Take Note - Police: Students Used Cookies to Torture - Two students at Southern Illinois University in this St. Louis suburb kidnapped, paddled and burned a young man with freshly baked cookies after a drug deal went bad (Question: were the cookies already in the oven, or were they baked specifically to be used as instruments of torture?... (More)

Bad Sparky! - Police are still looking into what exactly happened in a Waukegan apartment early Sunday morning when a dachshund chewed off the genitals of a 4-month-old boy... (More)

Lucky Stiff - A man killed in a Tustin wood-chipper accident was identified Thursday as Gabriel Gonzales-Ferrer, 24, of Orange... (More)

Hoodwinked by Pussy (It'll Get You Everytime) - Two months after a recent college graduate incurred $53,000 in charges at a gentleman’s club on Okaloosa Island, investigators are reviewing allegations of fraud and larceny... (More)

Mormons Are Stupid - Liquor control commissioner Bobbie Coray asked her colleagues on Wednesday to consider a rule to cover up bottles of booze displayed at restaurants because some diners may be offended at the sight of alcohol... (More)

Bicycle Molester Apprehended - A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle... (More)

Swallows Vs. Swallowers - Area's wooded terrain becomes contested ground for 2 groups at odds: Bird-watchers and gay men seeking sex... (More)

Our Country is Quite Clearly Being Run by Idiots - The State Department with great fanfare on Tuesday signed an agreement with landlocked Mongolia that will allow Mongolian ships to be boarded and searched if they are suspected of carrying weapons of mass destruction... (More)

Phantom Pooper on the Loose - A phantom pooper is taking a squat in the back of one Idaho Falls neighborhood. "If the wind blows in that area, you can smell it through our back door."...(More)

"Bad Klutzo!" An Illinois man who worked as a "Christian clown" named Klutzo was arrested yesterday on child pornography charges for allegedly taking naked photographs of young boys at a Philippines orphanage... (More)

His Silence Mistaken, Deaf Man Attacked - A store cashier struck a deaf customer in the head with a crowbar after he mistook the man's silence for rudeness and disrespect, police said... (More)

Tennessee Barber Kills Self in Front of City Council After Vote - A barber with strong ties to the military community pulled out a gun and shot himself in the head at a City Council meeting after his request for a rezoning measure was rejected... (More)

Missouri Man Faces 30-Year Prison Term for Stealing 52-Cent Doughnut - Scott A. Masters, 41, has been charged with felony second-degree robbery after employees at a Country Mart in this town 70 miles south of St. Louis said he slipped a 52-cent doughnut into his sweat shirt without paying last December... (More)

From the Department of Things My Wife Could Do in Her Sleep - A small Russian city just got a really big addition: a 17-pound, 1 ounce baby whose mother had already delivered 11 other children... (More)

Man Fishing for 11 Year-Old Tail Baits Hook With Dolphin Tickets - A CBS-TV employee is accused of soliciting sex from an 11-year-old girl in exchange for tickets to a Miami Dolphins football game, police said... (More)

Man Gets Banned From K-Mart for No Reason - It seems nobody has a sense of humor anymore. Particularly managers of discount chain department stores... (More)

Wrongly Accused Woman Held for 70 Years - A woman who spent 70 years in institutions after she was wrongly accused of theft has been reunited with her long-lost family... (More)

Man's Arm Salvaged From Alligator's Belly - (Selected more for the injustice inflicted on the alligator) - They were feasting on roast pork and dancing the Macarena while picnicking at Lake Moultrie on Sunday afternoon when a man in snorkel gear stumbled through the tree line, grasping at his left shoulder where his arm used to be... (More... With Pictures)

Man Admits to Urinating on Ill Woman - A Hartlepool man is facing jail after he urinated on a disabled woman who lay dying in the street... (More)

Vacuum and Toilet Cleaner Sex Aid Burglar Avoids Jail - A man who broke into a neighbor's home west of Brisbane and used her vacuum and a bottle of detergent as a sex aid has avoided jail... (More)

Two South African Men Steal Hearse for Pub Crawl - Two South African men have been arrested in Soweto for allegedly going on a drinking spree in a stolen hearse with a body in the back... (More)

Bush Tells Biographer: 'I do tears' - Under that famously self-confident exterior is a president who weeps — a lot... (More)

Marathon Runner's Death Saddening, Puzzling - The man who died Sunday after crossing the finish line of the Honolulu Marathon was a young and active athlete competing in the race for the third time, and someone his father described yesterday as... (More)

Subway: A Method to Their Cheesy Madness - It seems there’s some devious reasoning behind Subway’s practices. They choose to offend geometric decency to make their customers pay more to fill in the missing puzzle pieces... (More)

Bicycle Belonging to Charity Cyclists Crushed During Air Canada Flight - A Penticton B.C. couple who cycled across Canada to raise money for charity have had a rather crushing homecoming... (More)

Family Court Judge Victimized By Family - Her Own - The disheveled-looking son of Family Court Judge Lisa Richette whipped open his bathrobe yesterday and exposed himself to a TV reporter - a day after he was charged with seriously assaulting his 78-year-old mother... (More)

'Bait-and-Switch' Topless Car Wash - Male drivers who paid $5 for a topless car wash ended up getting hosed... (More)

Mother Teresa's Diary Reveals Her Crisis Of Faith - Mother Teresa was tormented by a crisis of belief for 50 years, her writings reveal... (More)

Police Searching For Robber Who Shot Victim After Stealing $3 - Metro police are searching for a gunman who stole $3 from a man outside a north Nashville area market, then shot him in the legs when the victim tried to run away... (More)

Russian Woman Sets Fire To Ex-Husband's Penis - A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said on Wednesday... (More)

Girls Ripped Off At Lemonade Stand - Police in Arizona are looking for two women who ripped off some kids at a lemonade stand. The kids set up the stand to make money for a summer trip to San Diego... (More)