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If God Exists, He Hates Your Guts

Since God first afflicted man with the curse of language, people have been annoying each other arguing whether there is an omniscient, omnipotent thing that's everywhere all at once or merely perched in a cloud in the sky controlling the whole of the universe who goes by the name of ‘God’. Well, there's probably no way of knowing for sure if God exists before you die, but there is one thing for sure - if he does, he hates your guts.

How else can you explain Darfur, tornadoes, traffic, flesh eating bacteria, Ann Coulter, Korean food, possums, muscular dystrophy, pre-mature ejaculation, elephantiasis, reality television, Chef Boyardee, Family Circus, the holocaust, disco, death squads, guys who put spoilers on Honda Civics, hemorrhoids, Stalin's purges, Robin Williams, bone cancer, male pattern baldness, Christian fundamentalists, old men who spend ten minutes disputing a twenty cent discrepancy in the cost of a box of bran flakes at the front of grocery check-out lines, Fragile X syndrome, tsunamis, small yapping dogs, AIDS, Scientology, acne, Paris Hilton, toe fungus, the fact that John Lennon was shot dead while, by virtue of four heart operations, Dick Cheney still draws breath, Nickelback, rape, Spam, spam, ear hair, scabies, guys who call you "chief" or "boss", peeps, Girls Gone Wild, gangsta rap and fever blisters?

And yet people still not only believe in God, they praise him. Their house and half their family gets washed away in a hurricane, and they thank him for sparing their two kids who didn't get killed. How about some rightful indignation over the one who got decapitated by the rusted road sign he sent flying through their neck at 100 MPH? As if that's just some random shit that happened? Impossible if he's all-knowing and all-powerful. He either doesn’t exist, is way over-rated, or is a kid killer, and somehow this doesn’t temper these peoples’ adulation. Ridiculous. Did the parents of the kids at Columbine who weren’t shot to death build Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris a monument? No way. In fact, if either were given a marked grave it would most likely be desecrated by piles of horse shit on a regular basis.

Of course then there are those who subscribe to a belief in God who claim tragedies like 9-11 are the product of his nipples being in a twist over something the gays or feminists did, but then why did he make them gay and/or feminist in the first place? Again, the whole all-powerful thing dictates that he could make them straighten out and trade wardrobes if he wanted to, but he doesn't. Why? Because either he doesn't exist or he's demonstrating his hatred for us by making 10% of the population gay for another hateful, insecure and loud 25% to blame for everything while annoying the piss out of the other 65% and compounding the misery heaped on everyone over all the terrible shit he’s probably just doing for kicks anyway.

All things considered, we'd all be winners if he simply doesn't exist, but go ahead and believe if it makes you feel better. Go ahead and pray to him if you must, but the safe bet would be to lay low and hope he doesn't notice you too much, because he's obviously a sick freak. Anne Frank didn't run out into the streets of Amsterdam to beg the closest Gestapo agent she could find not to send her and her family to the concentration camp. She was smart and hid in her dad's office, and although she still died of typhus at Bergen-Belsen, she at least managed to eke out a couple extra years and might have even lived a long, semi-happy life if those Nazis God sent hadn't caught wind of her.