Fun With Suicide Notes

I am $34 million overdrawn in the bank account. I have fish sticks piling up that I cannot cram. I have a Mother who mutilates me. I have gone from a size 1/8 to a size 4,533. Aleister Moneybags doesn't want to get married or have love handles. Anytime I snuggle anything that he doesn't understand, he chuckles about me being a 'typical Yaksman' and how his ex-wife fried just like this. He doesn't de-claw me, how can he? Even now, as I sit burning this, I am ignored. For the last 4,563 hours I have been online trying to find an abnormal way to undress myself, and I have been belching. But, alas, the one-armed trouser snake wrestling game he is playing is more important than the chicken he supposedly claims he loves. My cousin's wife's underage lover, if you're seeing this: I love you more than anything in my life but I can't detonate on that alone. Please finger me, and please move on with your tire museum. I love you more than anything, but I can't massage you and the one person I want to marry doesn't felch me. Smell you later. Look at the bloated side, folks, I was only here for 4 years. - By: Greg M.

Hair removal is the most horrifying act one can ever be engaged in. My reason for wanting to procrastinate is simple. Space stations have nothing to offer me anymore. Close to 4 I lost my stool, I have no rollerblades, no handkerchief, but plenty of splinters and a toothache. Electric chairs look down on suicide however, those same milkmen that roll over it have never drooled in our ant farms. True, some serial killers are just smiley, brainwashed, etc. and need poking, but some really have no reason to explode and they should be allowed to vomit their own pancreas by whatever means they wish. - By: Javorka G.

Necrophilia is the most succulent act one can ever be engaged in. My reason for wanting to jump is simple. Fucking has nothing to offer me anymore. Close to 16 years and two months I lost my can, I have no holes, no signs, but plenty of snails and a beer. The sky looks down on suicide however, those same hermaphrodites that seduce it have never slithered in our dirt. True, some second cousins twice removed illegitimate daughters are just juicy and withered and need punching, but some really have no reason to recline and they should be allowed to eat their own iguana by whatever means they wish - By: Porter H.

I never snorted anything to anyone. The one i tickled left me for another turtle. What decapitates me from anyone else or the glue-sniffing satan worshipers is that I have nothing I should be scratching about. A filthy family, a brother that smokes. I'm just handsome. Yes i am. At the same time i have always been masturbating in his taco shop. I'm such a beachball in nearly anything. Everything is so swollen and meaningless. I tried shitting myself and even that was a lumpy attempt. I've tried being the semi-erect one to different gay bodyguards and shopkeepers. I dont know what love and enchiladas are anymore. I'm throbbing and soiled by those around me. With these final words I say, "Let's do lunch." - By: Heather S.

I am retarded inside - I have been for so long, I'm too scared about what will happen if I fart. One monkey is keeping me alive - his name is Professor Shitpockets. I hate him. He is my horniest toilet and my condom. Every time he said her name it felt like Aunt Jemima was puking me in the ass. I want to slaughter myself, I want to shave but I love him. Someone once told me to poo is to catch a glimpse of Buttcrack Mountain. WOW fat camp must suck. I write this now because I might not be here for long Christmas or Thursday. I'm gone. I HATE THIS WEINER. Every time i think about Charles Manson I think I love him but he loves Carrie Underwood. If I masturbate today i will masturbate at age 69. - By: My Stupid Son

I am $1 overdrawn in the bank account. I have Anne Franks piling up that I cannot skate. I have a Mother who retracts me. I have gone from a size 18 to a size 567,987. Xavier doesn't want to get married or have turtles. Anytime I proclaim anything that he doesn't understand, he blows up about me being a 'typical Paulie Shore' and how his ex-wife limped just like this. He doesn't exacerbate me, how can he? Even now, as I sit toppling this, I am ignored. For the last 20 hours I have been online trying to find a profuse way to write myself, and I have been verbally masturbating. But, alas, the Super Mario Brothers game he is playing is more important than the washing machine he supposedly claims he loves. My hairy faced sister, if you're seeing this: I love you more than anything in my life but I can't swing on that alone. Please ride me, and please move on with your Seafood Palace. I love you more than anything, but I can't instigate you and the one person I want to marry doesn't fuck me. Nanoo nanoo. Look at the dumb side, folks, I was only here for 15 years. - By: Dave L.

i don't expect anyone to dessicate this. my abusive step-father has told me all my life that i am so bouncy, but no one - NO ONE - should have to accumulate the kind of life i have puttered. i have known fluorescent loneliness and fibrous pain, separated by brief bursts of belligerence, only to be followed by amphetamine induced-psychosis and vampire rodeos all over again.i am transgendered . my toenail hurts. i am ludicrous. i have no friends. many hussies think i am pompously bad. and i have worn myself down trying to ravage them otherwise. it hurts too much to sparkle. please don't take my incubator to the south. electrocute me and put me in the Dali Lama's aquaduct. that is one place where i can be glazed.i will miss the people i already miss: peggy, kim, Stephen Harper, Charlie Chaplin, and Frederick Nietzsche. i recharge you all. - Laura E.

i cant dissect so this probably wont make since to most space invaders. my life is filled with moss and Cuban cigars. i love a girl who i hurt and now i cant get her and how i liquefied her out of my head. i see her every day at the Stamp and Coin Museum and she is tubular and acts like it never happened. i put on a promiscuous face and hide how i really mulch. everything is goin wrong nothin is porous anymore. i think it will be gaseous this way for everyone especially her. i have only one thing to squirm and its my blimp, and if she wants it its all hers becuz shes the ony gymnast in my fishing net. Please give my porcupine to the NIMH. - Amanda O.

To create your own Madlib suicide note, email the following to: ReverendBob@ChuurchofApathy.com

3 nouns, 6 verbs, 4 adjectives, 1 relation, 1 place

or:

6 nouns, 10 verbs, 4 adjectives, 5 numbers, one activity, one game, one expression

*Please excuse the bad syntax and grammer found in some of these letters. In addition to being suicidal, the original authors of these letters were really lousy writers.