E-Z Telemarketer Evasion Cheat Sheet

Dodge the next telemarketer who calls you with this fun and easy make-your-own fuck-off sheet:

They say: "Hello, I'm calling on behalf of (some stupid newspaper, bank, marketing agency, sports franchise, charity you might like but prefer to deal with strictly through email, political candidate, long distance provider you've done business with or given the time of day to before, making them exempt from federal 'do not call' restrictions), can I speak with (your name)"

Your response: "I'm sorry, but...
 

He / She was

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

kidnapped by

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

communist guerillas during a business trip to Columbia

his/her ex-lover and tortured for several days before being eviscerated and dumped in a gorge

gypsies and is being held for ransom

eco-terrorists and recycled

the Symbionese Liberation Army and is currently robbing banks to fund the furtherance of their cause

mental patients, dissected and mailed to Santa Claus

the government because he/she knew too much about...
- space aliens
- 9/11
- John F. Kennedy's assassination
- their sponsorship of the crack epidemic in black neighborhoods to fund illegal wars in Latin America

 

  
      blown to bits     by a landmine while serving our country in Iceland

by a grenade while horsing around at a skinhead party

in a re-enactment of the Hindenburg disaster gone wrong

a methane explosion three towns over		  
      impaled    

by the business end of a marlin during a fishing trip

by a javelin while jogging in the park

bayonet while serving as an extra in a movie about World War I

  
      imprisoned for    

stalking Edward G. Robinson

re-enacting the rape of Kelly McGillis on another woman without her permission

slingshotting puppies into Lake Michigan

trading pharmaceuticals to schoolchildren for money to buy more of the same pharmaceuticals at a lower price

murdering one hundred telemarketers

 
run over by

drunken teenagers and dragged for miles

a runaway motor home while tying his/her shoes on the side of the highway

a giant bowling ball on a weird Japanese game show
a tank piloted by a clinically depressed monkey

Kelsey Grammer

      devoured by    

flesh eating bacteria

bulemic cannibals

a wood chipper on Arbor Day

the San Fernando Valley's insatiable appetite for hot, young ass
      shot several hundred times  

during a botched liquor store robbery

after threatening to commit suicide

demonstrating the safety features of the new M-90 super machine gun

during a failed hostage negotiation

after telling the police he/she was unarmed