10 Tips for Spicing Up Your Divorce

1. A variation on the bucking bronco: While having sex with your wife from a rearward position, tell her you want a divorce, then wrap your arms around her torso and hang on! Be aware, however, that in contrast to the angry bull-like response you are likely to receive from calling your wife the wrong name during coitus, it is quite possible that in this scenario she will simply collapse and begin to sob.

2. Don't let the hostility slip from your divorce. Designate one night as argument night, meet somewhere, and tear each other apart.

3. Let the kids be the first to know: Secretly tell your children that you plan to divorce your spouse. Then, when your spouse gets wind of your intentions through your kids, emphatically deny the veracity of their statements. Perhaps suggest that your children are in need of psychological counseling. Later, admit that it was true all along and that you do indeed want a divorce.

3b. If, in the above situation, you want even partial custody of your kids, when an account of your behavior comes up in court, you should tell the judge that none of it is true and declare that your whole family is likely in need of counseling.

4. Don't let the romance slip from your divorce. Designate one night as date night, and take her out somewhere romantic - like your basement. Don't take no for an answer.

5. As important as your spouse was to you as a source of support and love when you were married, they can be equally as important as a receptacle for all the bitterness and aggravation you have in your life once you're divorced. For example, the next time you get passed over for a promotion you believe you deserved at work, walk by your spouse's new home, shout 'You soul wrecker!" and throw a rock through their front window. Guaranteed you'll feel slightly better.

6. Claiming an interest in reviving your marriage, take your spouse on a second honeymoon to the same location you enjoyed your first. Then, on the first day, tell him or her you want a divorce. When they ask why you would do such a thing, tell them because you hate them.

7. Be honest with your children about why you're getting divorced. For example, if your ex couldn't make a dollar if he fell into a barrel full of quarters, or if you'd rather stick your dick in a wood chipper than that cold, conniving cunt's box, be forthright.

8. If you have non-fraternal twins, be sure to capitalize on the opportunity to contribute to the advancement of the psychological sciences by conducting the following experiment: for the rest of their lives, tell one twin your divorce is definitely not their fault while telling the other the exact opposite. Observe, taking detailed notes.

9. Go to a lake or beach and set up a candlelight dinner with wine or champagne. Then go to you ex's house, blind fold them, duct tape their hands and mouth, and without telling them what's going on, drive off to the place. When you get there set them down and caress them with a rose and softly kiss them when you remove the blindfold. Watch the sunset together and play romantic rummy - where every 100 points is exchanged for 10 minutes of you doing anything your ex wants - with the exception, of course, of letting them go.

10. Cut your heart out of your chest and mail it to your ex with a note that reads "Thought you could use one". Your ex will undoubtedly assume you used a pig or a cow's heart from a butcher shop - imagine how their horror when they learn it is real.