Dinner Party Tips For The Insane

• Pick a date for your party and send out telepathic invitations to everyone on your guest list at least five minutes in advance. If you don't have any friends, invite strangers from the grocery store while you're doing your shopping

• Choosing a cause for celebration will set the tone for your party while giving your guests something to pretend to be happy about. Examples might include Mark David Chapman's favorite color or the anniversary of the time you dropped your microwave out of a second story window

• Put a few extra clean hand towels in the bathroom and make sure there is a fresh log in the toilet

• Do your research: If any of your guests are vegetarians or are allergic to Hot Pockets, be sure you have plenty of crayons to offer as an alternative

• Incorporating a theme to your party is a great way to make the evening more enjoyable. For example, you can turn your dinner into a murder mystery party by secretly killing one of your guests and letting the rest try to solve the case

• Set a fantastic table with your finest plastic sporks and fresh paper tablecloth in case any of your guests cares to use their crayons to color while they eat. Also, fresh roadkill or a pile of junkmail will make for a spectacular centrepiece

• To avoid confusion after the party, make sure you toss all of your guests' purses and coats into the neighbor's yard

• In order to enhance the ambience of your party and aid the digestion of your Hot Pockets and crayons, you should avoid dinner music that contains too much vomiting. Rather, a more appropriate soundtrack would prominently feature the sounds associated with smooth, healthy bowel movements

• Seating arrangements are crucial for the success of a dinner party. Use your entire house to accomodate your guests - including closets, bathrooms, your front yard, and the roof

• Mastermind the mingling. Think of relevant, compelling conversation topics to jump start your party - such as the impact George Washington's wooden teeth continue to exert on the migratory habits of North American tree frogs, or the latest episode of Dancing with the Stars

• Thirty minutes is longer than any dinner party should last. If guests are being stubborn about leaving, drop a subtle hint by mentioning that anyone who isn't out before you count to ten will be a dead motherfucker, and if they continue to dawdle, flush them out onto the street with a gun or an ax as politely as possible

• Celebrate the success of your party. Once you've thrown all the dirty dishes at your spouse or co-host, pour the remnants of whatever liquor might be left around the house and set it on fire