Horoscopes for Christian Fundamentalists

Aries (March 21 - April 20) Even though it will turn out she was merely waiting for the bus, you'll glow with pride this weekend when your six year- old douses a girl's blouse with blood outside an abortion clinic - Tonight: Reach out to a family member you haven't chastised in awhile and give them an earful

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) After a natural disaster hits a part of the country with a high gay population you will become too preoccupied writing a violent screed to your local paper arguing your theory that God hates homosexuals to notice the huge tornado bearing down on your trailer park - Tonight: Pray like there's no tomorrow

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) You and your friends will be outraged when the judge dismisses your defense that, in accordance with Exodus 35:2, it was your pious obligation to murder that Chinese family for operating their donut shop on a Sunday - Tonight: Resist any and all biological urges. Yes, even those...

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You'll have a hard time deciding between the possibilities that either evolution is real or God hates you after a common Staph infection fails to respond to antibiotics and devours your entire leg - Tonight: Your suspicions that your child's pet hamster is possessed by the devil are valid - you know what you need to do

Leo (July 23-August 22) The party you go to this week will prove to be the usual dull affair of watching your friend's fat kids shovel hot dogs down their throats followed by a round of Parcheesi, but at least nothing that transpires there will endanger your future reward of an eternity in heaven spent screaming in peoples' faces - Tonight: Bake a cake for Jesus

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Things will never be the same between you and your 13 year-old son after you realize he's bound for hell upon witnessing him humping the living room carpet while secretly watching Days of Our Lives - Tonight: Reenact notable scenes from The Passion of the Christ with friends and family

Libra (September 23 - October 23) Your belief that nobody is more fearful and pure than you is shaken when your spouse takes to sucking a pacifier, babbling incoherently and shitting his pants constantly - Tonight: Dress up as your favorite apostle

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22) You'll realize that if only everyone took the initiative to read The Bible on their own, then everybody would know everything and we could all relax - Tonight: Its time to narrow the criteria for what qualifies as non-smut in your house

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21) Finally fed up with all these environmentalists impeding the arrival of the Rapture, you'll spend an afternoon running around town in a frenzy, knocking over every recycling container you see - Tonight: Discover the gay agenda of something

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Even though it was your retarded brother who impregnated her against her will at gunpoint, you'll be doubly pleased that your daughter is carrying twins - Tonight: Celebrate your goodly work with a glass of milk and a nice long stare at the wall

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Despite all the lengths electronics manufacturers and the government have gone to in order to introduce devices that allow you the discretion of controlling what your family sees and hears on TV and radio, you insist upon promoting your theory that there is a time and a place for people to experience media you disagree with: Never and nowhere - Tonight: Be on the lookout for manifestations of biblical icons in your food

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll receive a visit from Guiness when it turns out that seventeen is a record number of adopted children to run away from any one household - Tonight: Show Jesus what he really means to you