Dumping Made Easy - Make Your Next Break Up As Painless As Possible (For You)

Everyone knows breaking up is hard to do, even if you're the one doing the dumping. That is, unless facing a shitstorm of tearful begging and vitriolic recrimination from your former significant other is your idea of a fun time. Fortunately however, you can mitigate the agony of the whole experience by following the tips listed here:

• Make them the last to know. Spreading the word around town that you intend to dump your significant other will insure that you are not around to witness the original shock of the news, sparing you from having to endure the most intense, and most intensely annoying of emotional outbursts the process will invariably produce

• Induce them to break up with you first by refusing to engage in any conversation or respond to direct questions. When they ask you what's wrong, shrug. Don't say a word until they finally dump you, at which point you may choose to say "fine, have it your way" as you walk away a free man/woman

• Breaking up with somebody on a Sunday or Monday is best in order to provide the maximum amount of buffer time for your ex to get their sniveling and complaining out of their system before your next weekend rolls around

• Changing your name is relatively easy and inexpensive. After you do so at your local courthouse, move to a new city

• Again, if you can get them to break up with you, more the better. If they have a cherished pet, start a bad habit of leaving the front door open so it keeps getting out. Don't ever confess to freeing them on purpose however, no matter how tempting doing so would have on expediting your own emancipation, as such information could be used against you in a criminal or civil trial. Be patient. Eventually you'll be shown your own open door

• If you feel you must break up with your significant other in person and they're generally reserved in nature, choose a crowded public place to break the news in order to keep the boo-hooing and whatnot to a minimum. If your significant other is the extroverted type who doesn't give a shit what other people think, never, ever do this

• If your significant other has a key to your dwelling, change the locks and stop answering their calls. They'll get the message eventually

• Take it from the masters: Do what Newt Gingrich did and do it by phone on Mothers Day (or perhaps their birthday if you have no children together), or, better yet, employ the Phil Collins method and dump them by fax

• Committing suicide will insure your freedom from not only your current significant other, but all those that would have followed for all eternity

• Never forget the three magical words: I AM GAY