30 Days To Failure

A powerful tool for liberating yourself from the burdensome impulse to constantly strive to be "successful" is the 30-day trial. Stolen from the same agents of society who've been systematically brainwashing you into subscribing to the belief that happiness can only be attained by doing things that are inherently difficult in order to program you to work harder for their companies, buy their self-help products and work out at their gyms, applying this concept might be difficult at first, but if you stick to it and try real hard not to try, you can eventually break free of these shackles and be on the road to a more enlightened, carefree, joyous life of not giving a shit.

Let's say you want to leave the corporate rat race behind but are averse to the consequences. After all, if you're not a vice president of personnel development for Poindexter Microchips anymore, what would the neighbors think? No need to worry about that if you can stop yourself from showing up for work permanently - you'll soon be compelled to sell that house you've been a slave to paying for for too long and move in to a nice, cheap apartment, the rent for which you can cover using the blood money you get from selling the ego shrine you just ditched for an extended period while you relax. An added bonus for people with children: the less luxurious your dwelling, the less likely your kids will be to stick around after they turn 18, living off your dime.

Making a permanent commitment to such a profound lifestyle change at once by just up and quitting your job can be daunting, but by scaling your commitment to unemployment to 30 days, or even just 15, the length of a good long vacation, you can ease into the concept, letting your mind and body gradually adjust to the idea of not working, so that when your trial period ends, the decision to not get out of bed in the morning to return to work is suddenly as easy as, well, not getting out of bed in the morning.

Inertia, in this case the tendency to continue to do what you've become habituated to, is the enemy, and the 30-day trial is your way of shifting the current of your life away from turbulent waters towards placid pools of tranquility.

Take daily exercise and dieting for instance. If you're making your life miserable working out at the gym everyday, running on a treadmill like a hamster in a cage and eating like one too, have you ever asked yourself why? Do you think you're going to live forever? And if so, why would you want to? Perhaps you're afraid members of the opposite sex won't be attracted to you anymore if you "let yourself go" (recognize the essence of liberation inherent to this common expression). Have you not heard of porn? How about sex toys, removable shower heads, amyl nitrate and pumpkins?

Another benefit of this system is that you can use it to test the supplantation of your old, onerous habits with new ones you've never really considered before, and aren't really sure if they would be something you'd be interested in continuing for life. For instance, perhaps you'd like to become a junkie, but don't know if you'd want to be one until your premature death. Commit yourself to giving it a shot (pun intended) for 30 days, then re-evaluate. There's no shame in stopping if it's not your thing, but like most other habits, it's a lot easier to stick with after you've established the activity as part of your regular routine.

Here are some examples from my own life where I used 30-day trials to establish new habits:

1) In 2003 I decided to try becoming a smoker. I've always been the oral-retentive type, and figured having cigarettes around to shove in my mouth would pacify this craving. Also, they look pretty cool and I'd heard that smoking after meals, masturbating, and work is really relaxing. These things combined with the negative health effects had me intrigued. The only apprehensions I had were the cost (around $5 a pack where I live) and the fact that every attempt I'd made at smoking cigarettes up until then ended in my succumbing to violent fits of coughing. I committed to a 30-day trial however, and, to my pleasant surprise, my lungs soon adjusted to the smoke, and I've been a pack a day man ever since. Of course the cost is still an issue, but I now enjoy my new habit so much that I consider it money well spent, and I wouldn't give it up for anything.

2) In 2005 I gave being homosexual a try. I've never felt an overwhelming urge to have sex with men, and other than one vodka and quaalude fueled occassion in college, had never so much as blown a guy, but figured what the hell. After all, if the irrepressible good cheer of the common gay is any indication, the rumor that it's easier to score with guys must be true, and if it turned out I liked it, well, I'd be in queer heaven. So I committed myself to a 30-day trial during which I bought some leather pants, spruced up my wardrobe with a bedazzler, frequented countless gay bars, went on three gay harbor cruises, saw Wizard of Oz twelve times and slept with between 20 and 100 guys. It turned out I'm not a homosexual, but other than contracting syphilis, the experience was worth it for its own sake, and after a month I washed the gel out of my hair, peeled the rainbow sticker off my bumper and returned to my wife and children.

3) This year I decided to try to learn Spanish. I have to confess that I didn't make it through the 30 day trial after getting really bored with it the first day. Fuck it - let people from other countries learn English. I don't like talking to people anyway.

4) Today is day 20 of my most recent 30-day trial. For nearly three weeks I have not showered, shaved or brushed my teeth. Personally, I think it suits me. My beard itches and it's a little gross to think of the billions of bacteria feasting on the filth encrusted sebaceous ooze covering my body from head to toe as being responsible for the fishy-cheese stench that envelopes me, but I'm saving hours of grooming time each week, and my unpleasant aroma keeps my family the fuck away from me, which is good.