Featured Articles

Our Messiah - Dennis Brown

Steve Pavlina Is The Devil

30 Days To Failure

How To Completely Ruin Your Life Trying To Start Your Own Business

The Danger of Positive Thinking

Lucid Dreaming Is A Load Of Lucid Crap

Not Only Does My Son Have A Learning Disability, He's Also An Idiot

Pets Grow Old And Die - What's The Use?

Low Expectations = High Success

Death = No Relief?

How To Lose Money With Your Website

Personal Development for Starving Africans

Wanted: Garden Gnome Thief

Look Out Disneyland, Here Comes Realityland

Fun With Suicide Notes

Writing Articles on How Dumb Things Are is a Stupid Waste of Time

30 Hours of Raw Food (Hell)

Apathetic Comics

Meaningless Life Coaching

Counterpoint: Anything is Possible if You Really Try - By: A Blithering Idiot

Like Babies with Tay-Sach's Disease, Dreams are Born to Die

I Can Masturbate Through Anything

How To Procrastinate - Tips For Putting Things Off Indefinitely Without Feeling Guilty

Free Will Is An Illusion

If God Exists, He Hates Your Guts

My Daughter's Poetry is Shitty

Mentoring Teens is Dumb

Updated 5-3-12 - ChuurchOfApathy Book Now Available
   

This site won't help you do anything. I'm not trying to help you become more focused, motivated or confident. As the most happily apathetic, bitter and cynical person possibly inhabiting the planet, I'm not qualified to do so, and furthermore, I couldn't care less. If you're deluded enough to think your life could be made meaningful if only you might happen across the right website to assist your personal development into something other than the aimless, insignificant conglomeration of matter you are, fine; but this isn't the one. Like life itself, there is nothing meaningful to be found on this site. The Church of Apathy is a place for those enlightened enough to understand that there is no god, meaning to life, or such thing as free will to enjoy our indifference and the failure it inevitably breeds, because it is easier and, within the context of the big picture of the impermament universe in which we reside, holds the same value as trying and "succeeding" - absolutely zero. That's it.*
- Reverend Bob

Be sure to bookmark this site, so you can return to it again and again. Millions of imaginary visitors begin their days by spending 15-30 minutes here and report that it helps them resign themselves to the pointless drudgery the remaining twenty-three and a half hours is certain to bring.

*Note that it is not beyond my intellectual grasp to realize that the effort put into creating this site constitutes an act of trying, rendering all of it a farcical contradiction of itself, but what the hell. Free will is an illusion, and if it should please the universe to have me make a complete hypocritical ass of myself in this way, so be it. What else is new? All the gazillion events leading up to this one since the Big Bang have been against me. Not smart enough not to do stupid, useless things, just astute enough to recognize how stupid, useless and embarrassing they are. If there was such thing as luck I'd be Steve Pavlina or Tony Robbins, shooting sunbeams out of my ass, making millions selling lies about choice, courage, hard work and success, but there isn't, and even if there was, I'd have none.

 

hoops
 

Recent Blog Entries

August 24th 2011 - New Article: Organization is Stupid


June 10th, 2011 - The book has arrived. Hooray. Get it here.


May 24th, 2011 - Book Teaser - So the book is done... now its just a matter of publishing. Hopefully not too long. As a teaser, here's the set list:

Preface
In the Beginning
Free Will is an Illusion
The Danger of Positive Thinking
Low Expectations = High Success
Like Babies with Tay Sachs Disease, Dreams are Born to Die
30 Days to Failure
The Hell with It
Cooking with Apathy – Recipe #1
How to Completely Ruin Your Life Trying to Start Your Own Business
Honest Sentiments for Sappy Secretaries
How to Lose Money with Your Website
Where Hard Work Gets You
My Dream Business: Bob's Auto Parts
My Other Dream Business: Meaningless Life Coaching
Useless Public Speaking Tips
Cooking with Apathy – Recipe #2
Not Only Does My Son Have a Learning Disability, He's Also a Complete Idiot
How to Win an Argument with Your Spouse
Pets Grow Old and Die – What's the Use?
Letting Go of Love
Tips on Reclaiming Your Bachelorhood - Planning a Dysfunctional Road Trip
A Parable
If God Exists, He Hates Your Guts
Freedom Sucks
Alcohol: Your Secret Weapon
On the Topic of Drugs: Just Say, "Sure, Why Not"
Organization is Stupid
Complaining: An Inalienable Right
Inspiring Movies Turn Your Head to Mush
Helping Others is a Waste of Time
Lucid Dreaming is a Load of Lucid Crap
How to Procrastinate - Tips for Putting Things off Indefinitely without Feeling Guilty
30 Hours of Raw Food (Hell)
Join the Club
Cooking with Apathy – Recipe #3
You Can't Make a Difference
My Daughter's Poetry is Shitty
My Parishioners Haiku's are Awesome
Homelessness: Really so Bad?
Prison: It could be Worse
How to Stand under Heavy Falling Objects at Work
Why You Shouldn't Kill Yourself
It's Not Fair
Apathetic Hall of Fame
Epilogue: Death = No Relief?


March 29, 2011 - Coming Soon: COA - The Book! - So I’m sure many of you have been wondering about the infrequency of my updates recently. Speculation likely included suicide, rehab, or that I finally noticed how few of you gave a shit, said, "Mission accomplished," and packed it in. No such luck. I’ve all-but-finished writing a book. Meant to serve as a comprehensive guide for bettering one’s life through apathy and the literal deconstruction of prevailing human value systems, the book will be comprised of fundamental content previously published on ChuurchOfApathy.com along with tons of new material that will deal with a range of topics, including letting go of love with your family, putting organization in its place, how to commit insurance fraud, and much, much more!

Stay tuned for more details.


February 9, 2011 - Super Bowl Ad Rundown: My obligatory take on a number of Super Bowl ads, and how I'd have made them better:

Doritos: Best Part – Some freak sucking Doritos cheese off coworkers' fingers and having orgasms. Don't get it. The guy seems to have a pretty decent job, and a bag of Doritos costs like, 75 cents. Buy a bag.

Would've been much better if: The guy's male coworkers dipped their penises in Doritos cheese, then laughed as this poor, sick freak washed their dicks clean with his tongue through tortured sobs, unable to stop himself.

Chevy Cruze (+ Facebook) – After kissing his first date goodnight, a young man immediately checks his Facebook page – implanted in his car's rearview mirror – to discover the girl logged on her own account within two milliseconds of the date being over to give him a favorable review.  Good Lord.

Would've been much better if: The Chevy Cruze the guy was operating while staring at his Facebook page in his rearview mirror ran over Mark Zuckerberg, then straight into a brick wall.

Best Buy: Ozzy vs. Bieber - Its easy to point to a combination of age and his rapacious, calculating wife as the causes for Ozzy turning into such a douche bag, but the fact is, he always kind of sucked. The only real difference between Ozzy and my grandpa who thinks he's an astronaut living in the year 1963 is my grandfather never lucked his way into being the front man for one of the most famous metal bands of all time.

Would've been much better if: 150 million people were made to say in unison, "Who are these two people I’ve never seen or heard of before in my life?"

PepsiMAX: Love Hurts – Airing with 13:12 seconds left in the first quarter, Pepsi misses the record for quickest crotch-shot ad by fifty-five seconds.  Maybe if the Steelers had thrown it more on their opening three-and-out...

Would've been much better if: The man getting hit in the nuts was really hit in the nuts, only instead of being some guy it was Pepsi Co.'s chief executive of sales and marketing, and instead of getting hit with a Pepsi can it was giant barn shovel.

Budweiser: Wild West – Rugged, implicitly violent outlaw drinks Bud, reinforces gay cowboy stereotypes by breaking into Elton John song.

Would've been much better if: the character was flamingly gay, only to morph into a Slayer shrieking neanderthal after chugging a Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The entire blog >

   
 
   
 

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