|Updated 5-3-12 - ChuurchOfApathy Book Now Available|
This site won't help you do anything. I'm not trying to help you become more focused, motivated or confident. As the most happily apathetic, bitter and cynical person possibly inhabiting the planet, I'm not qualified to do so, and furthermore, I couldn't care less. If you're deluded enough to think your life could be made meaningful if only you might happen across the right website to assist your personal development into something other than the aimless, insignificant conglomeration of matter you are, fine; but this isn't the one. Like life itself, there is nothing meaningful to be found on this site. The Church of Apathy is a place for those enlightened enough to understand that there is no god, meaning to life, or such thing as free will to enjoy our indifference and the failure it inevitably breeds, because it is easier and, within the context of the big picture of the impermament universe in which we reside, holds the same value as trying and "succeeding" - absolutely zero. That's it.*
Be sure to bookmark this site, so you can return to it again and again. Millions of imaginary visitors begin their days by spending 15-30 minutes here and report that it helps them resign themselves to the pointless drudgery the remaining twenty-three and a half hours is certain to bring.
*Note that it is not beyond my intellectual grasp to realize that the effort put into creating this site constitutes an act of trying, rendering all of it a farcical contradiction of itself, but what the hell. Free will is an illusion, and if it should please the universe to have me make a complete hypocritical ass of myself in this way, so be it. What else is new? All the gazillion events leading up to this one since the Big Bang have been against me. Not smart enough not to do stupid, useless things, just astute enough to recognize how stupid, useless and embarrassing they are. If there was such thing as luck I'd be Steve Pavlina or Tony Robbins, shooting sunbeams out of my ass, making millions selling lies about choice, courage, hard work and success, but there isn't, and even if there was, I'd have none.
Recent Blog Entries
August 24th 2011 - New Article: Organization is Stupid
June 10th, 2011 - The book has arrived. Hooray. Get it here.
May 24th, 2011 - Book Teaser - So the book is done... now its just a matter of publishing. Hopefully not too long. As a teaser, here's the set list:
March 29, 2011 - Coming Soon: COA - The Book! - So I’m sure many of you have been wondering about the infrequency of my updates recently. Speculation likely included suicide, rehab, or that I finally noticed how few of you gave a shit, said, "Mission accomplished," and packed it in. No such luck. I’ve all-but-finished writing a book. Meant to serve as a comprehensive guide for bettering one’s life through apathy and the literal deconstruction of prevailing human value systems, the book will be comprised of fundamental content previously published on ChuurchOfApathy.com along with tons of new material that will deal with a range of topics, including letting go of love with your family, putting organization in its place, how to commit insurance fraud, and much, much more!
Stay tuned for more details.
February 9, 2011 - Super Bowl Ad Rundown: My obligatory take on a number of Super Bowl ads, and how I'd have made them better:
Doritos: Best Part – Some freak sucking Doritos cheese off coworkers' fingers and having orgasms. Don't get it. The guy seems to have a pretty decent job, and a bag of Doritos costs like, 75 cents. Buy a bag.
Would've been much better if: The guy's male coworkers dipped their penises in Doritos cheese, then laughed as this poor, sick freak washed their dicks clean with his tongue through tortured sobs, unable to stop himself.
Chevy Cruze (+ Facebook) – After kissing his first date goodnight, a young man immediately checks his Facebook page – implanted in his car's rearview mirror – to discover the girl logged on her own account within two milliseconds of the date being over to give him a favorable review. Good Lord.
Would've been much better if: The Chevy Cruze the guy was operating while staring at his Facebook page in his rearview mirror ran over Mark Zuckerberg, then straight into a brick wall.
Best Buy: Ozzy vs. Bieber - Its easy to point to a combination of age and his rapacious, calculating wife as the causes for Ozzy turning into such a douche bag, but the fact is, he always kind of sucked. The only real difference between Ozzy and my grandpa who thinks he's an astronaut living in the year 1963 is my grandfather never lucked his way into being the front man for one of the most famous metal bands of all time.
Would've been much better if: 150 million people were made to say in unison, "Who are these two people I’ve never seen or heard of before in my life?"
PepsiMAX: Love Hurts – Airing with 13:12 seconds left in the first quarter, Pepsi misses the record for quickest crotch-shot ad by fifty-five seconds. Maybe if the Steelers had thrown it more on their opening three-and-out...
Would've been much better if: The man getting hit in the nuts was really hit in the nuts, only instead of being some guy it was Pepsi Co.'s chief executive of sales and marketing, and instead of getting hit with a Pepsi can it was giant barn shovel.
Budweiser: Wild West – Rugged, implicitly violent outlaw drinks Bud, reinforces gay cowboy stereotypes by breaking into Elton John song.
Would've been much better if: the character was flamingly gay, only to morph into a Slayer shrieking neanderthal after chugging a Pabst Blue Ribbon.